July 28, 2013

Homesick, or disconnect from my heart & god?

I miss New York, family, friends and home.

im still learning difficulties and challenges, love and joy come up no matter where I am physically. Though,I know in my heart there is no “perfect” community, job, life.

its what we choose to make of it. life can be lived as a prayer and I am always learning to be grateful for it all.

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July 28, 2013

A Synopsis, Summer 2013.

about to make breakfast. then start working on my thesis after I dance downtown and meet with Alex. I haven’t been dancing in the past few months and I really missit. My body is a bit sore from biking around so much, so im trying to bus more and be more easy on my body, but there could be worse pains.

I graduate in the fall, and my last semester I have classes I look forward to: psychology of the five elements, community action and service, a womens studies course on global female empowerment, nature sacred and contemplative, education and critical theory. wowzers!! I think im going to enjoy writing for these classes.

working for landscaping dpt at my school. its great, I love working outside and my co-workers.  my friend manages a small gardening/landscaping company so im going to call her/. im also still working at the clothing consignment place.

overall my summer has been low-key, working a lot and visioning what I want to do when I finish school. in my down time I have been hanging out with friends, going to the creek, biking, and I started making art again the other day.  I went to New Mexico for a week with three of my friends from school. I went on retreat with Amma. It was amazing and I am so grateful I had the opportunity to afford such a thing. I learned a lot about Amma, and my spiritual path with a guru. I was always scared of considering her my “teacher” or “guru” but she has so much to teach, and a lot of love, compassion and wisdom. I sang, I danced, I cried. and I saw a lot of my inner patterns, thoughts especially tied into money. whoa.  Im learning a lot about my emotional health, and not attaching to any one emotional state. I have been a naturally sensitive/emotional person and to see them as temporary is a very very big lesson for me.

definitely taking a year off school before I continue education in holistic health, and/or child education.Deciding whether to stay in Boulder until next summer, or move back to upstate NY/Brooklyn in January. I miss my friends and family in NY, though im sure some friends will be moving, gone, or just have grown into a way that its a different friendship then my memory provides. my mom is selling the house we grew up in, which has been happening for the past few years but its finally going through. so my mom is most likely moving to Brooklyn. our relationship is so much better.

living in a college town where people/friends come and go so much can be hard, and a lesson to really let go. I realize I have have the privilege to live in Boulder, and go to a school like Naropa. It has been a big challenge finishing undergrad being financially independent, and holding a job. though ive made it work.

I have student debt, but I have come more and more to just accept it, and appreciate it. sometimes I get angry about it, though I trust I can get a good job in Boulder or NY, after all my work experience the past few years.

im grateful, and still learning all the time.

June 30, 2012

Focusing my Goals, deepening the spiral of healing, and Surrendering What I “know”

Om tare tutare ture suaha

Ganesha Sharinam, Sharinam Ganesha.

Two chants that have both inspired and energized today. The first being to Goddess Tara, the emerald goddess of infinite compassion and peace.

The second chant is to Ganesha, the orange elephant God, the remover of obstacles. I have been visualizing him as a golden light emanating from my heart, removing my own inner blockages.

Today I woke up in my childhood bedroom on Long Island. Around 7 I was woken by thunder and rain falling outside my window. The thunder subsided and the rain lulled me into sleep again.  Finally I awoke feeling calm, grounded and ready to create my day. I am on day two of my food plan of eliminating most processed sugars and ALL wheat.  I had oatmeal (technically non-wheat, this is disputable) with apple, and tofu on the side. It is what is available right now.  Appreciating and grateful for the food and abundance that is present.  I am making my way to (mostly) raw vegan again, especially during the peak of summer where seasonal fruit and veggie harvest is bountiful.  Raw food is pure pranic life force, and I am being inspired by blogs I have been reading on raw food diet. It is a process of gentle discipline. Structure and routine are important for me as I heal what I hesitantly label an eating disorder. As I reach out and continue being honest, clear, and  strong, I know I can make it through anything. An eating disorder is characterized by isolation, which I am learning to truly free myself from.  I am so grateful for the family and friends I have on Long Island right now.

I read a quote on facebook from page called “the return of the divine feminine” which challenged readers to fully live up to their best potential, as to refrain from bringing others down. The author states that now is the time to live from our higher Selves and release our Ego-Self. I really asked myself , am I living the greatest I can? I felt shame, and went to the drawing  board. I realized, yes I want to create money, yes I do want a fulfilling job.Yes I want total freedom, from which total responsibility is necessary.

I went on craigslist and  looked for work in NY.  I applied to a few.  I got a call back with-in a few hours for a organic coffee cart that travels around NY. I thought to myself wow. Don’t you know  it was one of the best interviews I have ever had. I am happy to have experienced it, and it has reaffirmed my faith in good and rightful work, with good people.

I am grateful for, family, friends, and the widening circle of  Love that manifests each and everyday. I am grateful for my intuition and my heart merging, to live a full life, to live and follow through with the visions I am gifted.

I vow to follow through on my vision of co-creating and working in harmony with the Earth, and a way that is even greater than I can realize; co-create with the plant kingdom to bring abundance for many people; co-create with the human realm to cultivate community through thick and thin.  To teach others and share the love that is inifinitely available; co-create space that allows for beings to flourish, meditate, do yoga of all kinds, raise consciousness and create new forms of currency that is fair for all involved.

I vow to speak my truth of a healthy, god and goddess filled life.

I vow to honor the animals, trees, and people I encounter everyday in the forms they appear before me.

I vow to respect others lives, and opinions, and to hold space for which I “disagree” with.

I vow to release scarcity in this lifetime.

I vow to see fear, and let it disintegrate into boundless love and grounded manifestation.

I vow to act on my heartfelt intuition, so that love may act through me.

I vow to live as Peace.

May 31, 2012

i could keep writing forever. letters to the universe.

I am the dirty messy stickiness of this life. the imperfection, the downward spirals, picking myself up again, the sunrises, the sunsets, the trees, the suburban dream, the gardens, the house-pets, the blood, the dirt, the love, the awkwardness, the confidence, the ebbing and flowing ebbing the flowing, the desires, the music, the 4 day jobs, ignorance, anger, the neutrality, zen, chaos, crazy wisdom, temperance, the brain fog. the control. the lack of it. manic, talking, silence, homelessness.

i am all of this. & I am not.

May 7, 2012

A New Commerce: spirituality and anarchism collide!

In the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot, and feel I know Santa Cruz pretty well at this point as I have walked and biked around a good amount. On my first day in Santa Cruz I found Subrosa, which is a collective of artists, travelers, creative people, community people, anarchists. It is a free space, where homeless, rich, poor, activists, students can converge and share ideas. To Be honest, I dont always feel “comfortable” at Subrosa, and I come up against my judgements. and I have to choose when to stay and leave for my own wellbeing.experience is that I can just show up there, in any state or emotion. This feels revolutionary to me because in my general experience with in cities,outside of parks, it is expected since you are in “place of business”  of course one is expected to, buy, or create commerce. This is fine. However, I have found that money ebbs and flows in my life, as Im sure it does in others lives.

Sometimes I just want to BE, in a place, in a city.  That it be okay to just sit and be or just talk with someone & be without the pressure of “buying” something.  I know that money is energy. So is my being. I intend to continue to participate and co-create spaces, ways of being, and ways of living, where we can offer what we have abundance of.  Whether it be poetry, cooking skills, cleaning skills, meditating skills, drawing skills, listening skills.  I am learning how to lovingly operate in and outside the realm of currency.

Subrosa is just one piece of the entire collective, there is the bike church and the fabrica. I have started volunteering at the Bike Church which is a free/donation based bike shop where workshops and work hours are held. I just finished doing an earn- a-bike program, and now am going to work on a bike.  The Bike Church can be a chaotic high energy place, where people come in and out continuosly.  Subrosa is pretty well-known in the punk, DIY and also homeless scene.  I have also started sewing at The Fabrica. I am really excited to get back into sewing, and to focus my energy into creating clothing. I am grateful for these spaces, and the challenges and gifts they are offering me to explore.

Luckily, I came to Santa Cruz because I knew there would be community I resonate with, specifically Amma devotees.  I have found much more here, which I am grateful for.  Recently I have connected with the vippassana community at what is called insight santa cruz http://www.insightsantacruz.org/. I participated in a sit last Friday, and felt super comfortable and peaceful there. They do a meditation sit just about everyday,and they ask for dana which means it is donation based (which is important to me as I find & create work/abundance). when i got to NY I will look for a vipassana sit as well. and i hope to bring people with me so if youre reading this and your on Long Island or in the city, lets make a meditation adventure!! haha its very worth it.

May 7, 2012

Supermoon!!

The supermoon is this weekend. Its been in scorpio, scorpio to me represents, psychic energy, intution, transformation, creativity sexuality, sacral chakra, uncovering hidden truths. It has been about intensity, communication, transforming anger and being peace.
On saturday, I was riding my bike down W. Cliff road which is right along the water. It is my favorite place to bike ride. I finished watching the sunset over natural bridges beach, and biked towards the city and I came up to groups of people lining up at the cliffs, nothing too crazy. Now this is a popular place to be, but it felt kinda festival-ish or like 4th of july. Then i realized all these people came out to watch the moon rise!! Tt made me really happy that people were wanting to connect in this way, and just experience this supermoon.  I was watching the moon rise over the horizon, and I start looking to the water. I noticed kayakers in the far distance. Then my eyes shifted, and I notice there were dolphins swimming reallly close to the shore. It was about 6 of them just weaving in and out, gracefully swimming up the coast. I noticed a guy doing chi-gong on the rocks below. I just laughed, took it in and biked away. \the end.

May 7, 2012

Santa Cruz, CA

One day at a time, one action at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.

On my journeys I have discovered the healing power of song, sound, and singing . Singing recharges my system and brings me into a flowing state of being. Singing can be like therapy, emotions, and memories pop up. It also is a meditation, it allows me to see the thoughts and let them pass. I just got home from a song circle led by Deer Heart at the Divinitree yoga studio inSanta   Cruz. I first started singing inBoulder at the kirtan led by Kabir, the raga singing teacher at Naropa. Kirtan is devotional singing in the Hindu culture, and it has truly opened my heart and voice.

Today I googled “Santa Cruz kirtan” and a few websites like Chantacruz popped up, which I thought was a funny pun on words. Eventually I was led to deerheart’s site.  I recognized deerheart’s name from a few years ago when I first saw Ammachi in San Ramon with my dear friends Jananda, Fattah, and Tapoja. We stayed at his home in the redwoods. This experience at his home and at the Devi Bhava that has changed and is continuosly shaping my life in the present time.

Tonight at the heart circle was exactly what I’ve been was calling for, community, music, and kindred spirits.

As I transform, and step into a more expansive aware part of my life, the good, the beautiful, the ugly, the painful is all coming up for me. Singing brings me back home. Singing and coming back to a song with intention, is a truly blessed & ecstatic experience.

“… mindfulness practice is not to forcibly control the mind but to perceive clearly its healthy and harmful patterns. It is to approach our minds and bodies with a sense of curiosity, openness, and acceptance so that we may see what is here to be discovered, and be with it without so much struggling. In this way, little by little, we begin to release ourselves from the grip of our old habits of mind. We begin to know directly what we are doing as we are doing it. We are beginning a graceful transition from unawareness to awareness.” The Mindful Way through Depression.

my heart really has yearned for satsang and spiritual family. I have found it in the heart circle tonight, also at the Pacific Cultural Center where I went to an ecstatic conscious Dance last weekend, which instantly felt at home at. It was with no talking, no substances. it was awesome. there is a good dance scene in santa cruz. lots of contact improv. yay!

Cheers to co-creation, cheers to shifting into this new paradigm. Peace.

May 7, 2012

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April 22, 2012

the gypsy caravan healing journey

 These path 4 months have been very transformative, and challenging. I am ready now more than ever to do the inner work into serenity and acceptance as I heal . thank you all who have been present, encouraged me and have listened to my process.  to all those who are struggling- reach out.  now is the time to heal.

what i have been struggling with, for it seems now since elementary school, is body image, and food. the two main distractions I have used to numb myself, and escape the present. I want to be honest where I am.

i think a lot of what i have been going through is avoidance of my self at times, on a deeper level there are some past experiences i havent integrated yet, things that need to be forgiven and accepted.  accepting all my relations.

im seeing that the healing journey is like a spiral rather than a straight line from point a to b. so im learning to be at peace with where i am, but to balance doing things independently and when to reach out to others. also- even during this challenging transitional time i have been able to see the light, and be able to laugh, and be in the present moment. so im very grateful for the light moments, as well as the dark (which can be hard!)

I have been doing a lot better lately, in being balanced doing what i need to do to be healthy, like yoga, meditation, and taking time to relax/ be alone. also seeing the sad/anger/”negative” emotions are temporary, and to let them pass.  also being honest/communicative about my needs, and with those around me. 

Most recently I was working and living on a farm in the mountains outside santa cruz, http://www.eholley.net/windtree/. we are doing a lot of gardening work, and cleaning up the place. its definately a community vibe. run by a woman named elena, who has been here for 8 years. we are totally off the grid in terms of solar power. they arent totally growing all of our own food yet. we get a lot of food donated from trader joes which is sweet.  The people i live and work with are cool understanding people. it took me a while to feel apart of the group here.  working/living with people can be both challenging and rewarding, as we are around one another a lot. whats cool is everyone makes a meal each day, its a nice feeling. theres about 8 people here right now, all really passionate about sustainability, justice, and creating healthy/peaceful ways of living.

A woman up here named Cat who is really cool has offered me a place to stay in the city of santa cruz for a bit to get on my feet, get work out here. cat has been a traveler and activist most of her life. she is a co-owner of the land up here. so people are reaching out which is great. ive definately reached some bottoms, where i have felt really alone. so things are coming up again. I also i just had an interview, and my friend put in a good word for me to have for a bed and breakfast in boulder when i move there.

through all of this, i know im going to be a stronger, more compassionate loving person so i can extend my hands to others.  ive realized my desire to work with homeless people, and to work with people with addictions (ive met soo many people who have struggled, or do not even realize they have a substance abuse problem, though it does take a person to realize it themselves). I went to a few 12 step meetings last winter and they helped put things in perspective and now I am starting up again.

I love you all, thank you.

March 22, 2012

vippassana

“This too will change.” Goenka http://www.dhamma.org/

Change is the current that creates the tides, births new life and turns the wheel to the final breath.  Goenka is the teacher from Burma who has brought the Buddhist Vippassana meditation course to the states and to hundreds of countries. My life has been changed by this ten day course. Before this course, I feel I have only dipped my toes in the world of self, truth and realization. The course  is donation based, and that includes lodging and meals. It is done in complete silence, except for the spoken teachings by Goenka and the teachers. The course is non-sectarian,  anyone and everyone can enrich their lives.

In the ten days I came into contact with Self.  I came into contact with my anger( I realized my attachment to this emotion and crossed it out to symbolize my work in detaching ). I came into contact with depression. I came into contact with bliss. I came into contact with love. I came into contact with the power of silence. I came into contact with discipline.

During the course we had a rigorous schedule of meditation and meals. This really allowed me to have a foundation and sense of security with all my emotions, memories, dramas, ideas, dreams, visions, coming up.  Routine is doing wonders for me, Goenka says to have one hour of meditation in the morning and one hour at night. I fell off the band wagon last night and this morning, because I was feeling sad and was avoiding the feeling. I want to be able to practice meditation always even with the negativity  and emotions that come up in life. For I know  Meditation creates peace within, meditation creates the peace externally. Meditation cultivates acceptance. 

We are all on our differing paths and journeys, and which ever calls to you on a deep heart & soul level…go for it! You are the Creator of your life, you are the divinity that shines upon this beautiful planet. We all carry different stories, different patterns to be seen, healed, and forgiven. Love, heart filled service to others is the balm of this planet.  We are powerful beyond belief.

To be honest I can say all these things, and still forget when I am feeling low, like there is nothing to reach up to, no light shining down.  I have those times, and I am learning to let them pass, for they are temporary. I have the struggles I believe in my heart I can let go of, and there are things I really still struggle with. I am at a crossroads. I know I cant do it alone, none of us can. I tell all who read this to reach out, and Iremind myself the same. Reach out to your sangha or spiritual community. 

The Vippassana course for any one looking to learn how to meditate, touch the depths of their selves, for any one who wants to do personal healing.

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All is change, all feelings, situations, pains, joy, anger, ecstasies, relationships, even our relationship to the universe. infinity, eternity, is always growing, morphing.  and rearranging, like us.

spirituality has become more and more popular,  people are opening up their hearts to another way of living from the normal mainstream way. I often hear teachers, & people say “that this body is finite, our spirits live on.”

how can I truly feel this and wrap my heart around this? my personality wants to do this to do that, to see this person, to create, projects, jobs, lovers, travel. & that is beautiful, for me it is the middle path, the path of Temperance that creates the most balance.  The Desires, attaching to them, is a trap.  Aversions, dislikes, attaching to them is a trap.  Watching the thoughts, these desires and aversions, is teaching me temperance, that every thought and idea does not have to be acted upon.

One thing that has truly enabled me to contact that core of eternal truth, to peel into my layers is meditation. I started my journey about 4 or 5 years ago when I was struggling with depression, and looking for answers. i came into contact with metaphysics, astrology, occultism, and to say i was in love is an understatement. in love with the subjects, the beautiful worlds, the expansive gift of possibility that spirituality was offering. my thirst became quenched. i read and read, discovered creative visualization, unconditional love, positive thinking, crystals, frequencies, extraterrestrial beings that are our human ancestors.  what coincided with my search  was the power of health and nutrition, whole foods, letting go of processed foods.  my search has brought me across the country and back. It has led me to Naropa University, which is a whole saga onto itself.

I ask:

what does my soul want to grow? 

what does your soul want to grow?

perhaps there’s a lot more freedom at hand than we can imagine